Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Ordeal of the Bottom


     Over the past week I have been plagued with a very painful thrombosis hemorrhoid.  Ever since I was pregnant I have experienced hemorrhoids occasionally but never like this one.     An a$$ bubble has overtaken my bottom and has been sucking my will to live.   I have decided to name this thing George.  It is kind of weird, like that odd moment when guys name their penises and everyone in the free world wonders why.  You go through a rite of passage and suddenly this appendage on your body has a name.

       Yesterday George was mad as hell and finally blew a gasket.  My a$$ bubble had taken on a life force of its own.  It grew so big that it exploded.  It was not a pretty sight and lets just suffice to say that the aftermath scared the living be Je$us out of me.  My bottom never in recent memory ever hurt so badly.  There was blood and a lot of it.  Naturally I freaked out.  What to do?  I called the doctor.  He didn’t have time to see me and told me to go straight to the emergency room.  The thought of explaining to perfect strangers just what my damage was didn’t appeal to me.  I called “Ask a Nurse”.  That lady freaked out and was ready to dispatch an ambulance.  Oh hell no!!  I had visions of fire trucks, police cars, and an ambulance speeding to my house with sirens wailing and flashing lights and the whole neighborhood turned out to watch the spectacle with flipping cameras and popcorn.  No thank you!  I would find a way to get to the hospital myself.   The only problem was I was dizzy from loss of blood.  Could I drive that far?  Did I have a choice?  In the end I drove to a friend’s house and she took me while offering her husband up as a baby sitter.  Thank G0d and sunny Je$us above for both of them.


           When I finally reached the emergency room I was at a loss for what to say when they asked what exactly was ailing me.  I had no words.  Fortunately my friend has had some medical training and promptly saved me by telling the person in charge piously I was bleeding from the rectum.    When it was my turn to meet up with a doctor he told me the worse piece of news yet. 

     
        He was going to see what was going on down there.  Nervous in my service I explained that I was mortified that the first and probably only time we would meet in this lifetime he was going to have to look up my a$$hole.  He took it in stride.  The nurse asked the doctor “Would you like to lube up first?”  He calmly replied “No, I don’t think so.”  What the hell and sonny Je$us?  Are you kidding me?  To say I freaked out is an understatement.  I frantically pointed out that excuse me there was ALWAYS time for lube.  I didn’t even go to medical school and I have enough sense to KNOW that if you are going to stick your finger up some poor soul’s a$$ you should lube up.  My frantic pleas hit home and he had the good sense to lube up before invading George‘s personal space.





      They took my blood pressure and that is when hell broke loose.  It was dangerously high and in that instant George was almost forgotten.  Blood work was ordered along with an IV.  The lady paid to take my blood arrived on the scene first.  She took one look at me and decided the person starting the IV could have the pleasure of poking me and left as quickly as she came.   In strolls the lady prepared to torture me.  She searched for a vein and couldn’t find a single one.  I made fists as she smacked my arm around and then my hand.  Not deterred she left and returned with a hot towel and wrapped it around my arm.  After my arm was thoroughly hot she proceeded to go digging for veins again.  After several painful pokes I couldn’t help but ask if she had found a vein yet.  At that point she said something that startled me even worse than the thought of my sore a$$ being probed.   Evidently my veins were running away from her and she couldn’t get them threaded.  What??  Veins run away?  Where the hell are they going to go?  I quickly spoke up “Obviously my veins don’t like you if they are running from you.  You better FIND someone else to have a go!”  The expert was called in and she had no problem managing to draw blood with one poke without batting an eye.  They obviously gave up on the IV which was fine by me.

       Finally the doctor returned to inform me just what he planned to do about my conditions after assuring me there was no sign of cancer, liver or kidney damage, or internal bleeding.  He ordered blood pressure medication which I probably can look forward to swallowing for the rest of my life since my numbers were so alarming I was on the verge of a stroke.    He informed me he didn’t make a practice of slicing off hemorrhoids so George was safe to fade away on his own.  Armed with a strategy to conquer and defeat George, prescriptions for more blood pressure and pain medication I was sent on my merry way.




      It was an all time low for my bottom.  Slowly and surely I will heal and regain my strength.  I thanked the doctor for being so kind.  I thanked my friends for helping with my kids and helping me face an ultimately embarrassing ordeal that needed to be faced.  I thanked G0d that I now know I will not die from my a$$ bubble.  That would just be more than this ole heart could bear until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.
         

32 comments:

  1. Owwww....

    As long as George doesn't get infected, he'll slink away like all the others like him.

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    1. Christopher, one can only hope. I think the doctor's invasion scared the living be Je$us out of him because he has gotten smaller since. The coward!! The ER doctor said he doesn't make a practice of cutting things like that off. Lucky for me, but I bet George didn't hear that part. LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  2. Oh man that's awful! You poor thing and your poor bum! :( I hope George goes away soon!

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    1. JoJo, the upside is the hospital provided a whole list of great advice on how to scare George out of his dark hole for good. I hope he does too. The fact that he has shrunk smaller than my min pin now gives me hope. The doctor assured me my a$$hole will never look the same again. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  3. Fortunate they found the high blood pressure Kathy - amazing how one thing can lead to another and although you were mighty uncomfortable, a crisis is averted. Heal well and watch that blood pressure!

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    1. Amy, that is amazing and really explains a lot. I have been suffering daily G0d awful migraines and the high blood pressure offers a cause. Eliminate the cause and maybe the headaches go bye bye for good. I hope so. Just wish I didn't have to have a pain in the a$$ to get ride of headaches. Oh well, it will all come out well in the end. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  4. Oh my, you poor thing. Mortifying - but glad George got you to the hospital and got your blood pressure under control! Yikes though.

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    1. Sylvia, it really was a good thing I went. A real wake up call considering my Dad died of a stroke. It sounds like I am walking down the same path which is a little scary. Hope I can get it turned around before I end up like he did. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  5. You do have a way with words! Yesterday I am freaking and tearing up and praying and yelling at you and today, I read the story and I am laughing and imagining you in a much different light than yesterday! Holy moly.

    Here's hoping ole George just shrinks up like a penis in the ocean and is never seen or heard from again!

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    1. Jo, I am just weird as hell that way. It has been since I hit my 40's that I see the world in such an off the wall comical screwy way. My daughter asked me how I know that thing hanging out of my a$$ is a man. I didn't even bat an eye. The answer seemed obvious. It is because that most men are a pain in the a$$. BA hahahahahaaha LMAO! I am just awful. Then she asked what about guys that get hemorrhoids. Well, all women are capable of being a bitch so I would imagine men have female versions of George. I agree, George needs to shrink up and leave me the hell alone. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. Also thank you for your sanity when George was scaring the living hell out of me. Bad George. LOL

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  6. Oh Kathy! Poor you! I hope you're feeling much better very soon and that George retreats into the black hole from whence he came!

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, I think the doctor's invasion scared the living beJe$us out of him because he is smaller now. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind words!!

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  7. I've had my share of hemorrhoids, but never one so big I named it. : - ) But if you're in the emergency room, terrified that something horrible might be wrong with you, wouldn't they expect your blood pressure to be high? When I went in, thinking I was having a heart attack, they said, "All your symptoms could be explained by your blood pressure." And I'm sitting there thinking, "Yeah, and my blood pressure could be explained by my being SCARED OUT OF MY WITS." I'm not sure they think these things through.

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    1. Angela, yeah I had the same thought about the blood pressure being a little elevated. The only problem was that mine was a lot elevated which was just plain scary. It has never been that high. I would deduce as they did that my blood pressure was high in the first place and went up even more because of everything going on. I have also suffered from daily migraines for a long time which high blood pressure would probably be a contributing factor. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  8. My blood pressure rises every time I go to the doctor's office. Funny enough, when I don't go, it's normal. Go figure. Anyway, I too suffer from hemorrhoids. I've found a product, all natural, call HemClear and it works quite well to keep those pesky George's away. I swear by this stuff and been using it for almost a year now.

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    1. Susan, I will have to try that. Providence knows what I was using it didn't even phase George. It sounds like it is by far healthier for you if you avoid the doctor's office at all costs. I also notice that I seem to weigh a hell of a lot more on their scale. There is another reason NOT to go. LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  9. Kathy, I am glad you went and you are on the mend. I must say, your writing is so wonderful, that you could inject humor (George) in your painful ordeal is amazing. I wish George a permanent vacation! I am amazed that the dr had to be persuaded to "lube", Ouch! He should have done that for you comfort without asking. I have trouble giving blood, but now, I just tell them to take it from the top of my hand (I learned that years ago after a nurse showed me, I stick out my hand and my tops have veins right on top.... Maybe yours do too? Just a tip I hope you can use sometime. Feel better...

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    1. Winnie, I am glad I went too. I can't explain my sense of humor. I simply can't. I am certain that girl didn't know what the hell she was doing. The second girl that arrived on the scene had no problem finding my vein with one poke. I am so pleased you enjoyed meeting my a$$ bubble. I have this crazy habit of injecting humor in the craziest things and can see it where others can't. While waiting in the ER waiting room two ladies walked in. One had bright purple hair and the other electric blue. Horrified I turned to my friend and asked what the hell do you suppose caused that?? I hope it isn't catching!! Fortunately they sat far away from me. I would have a heart failure if I woke up to that color of hair too. Not sure I would head to the local ER, but people tend to piss their money away for the strangest things so who am I to judge? LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  10. This is one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time--but all kidding aside, George saved your life!!!!! Had you not bled and gone to the ER, you never would have known how bad the blood pressure was and you would have had a stroke. George is a genius and he deserves a prize!! I also commend you for writing an entire blog post about your ass. When I first started blogging a year ago, I wrote about the day my hubs and I went in for a colonoscopy---together!!! It was a CRAZY experience that I just HAD to share with the world--but I wondered how people would take receive a story about a tube going up my ass. Well, I was brand new to blogging then, so maybe like 3 people read the post, but I had fun writing it anyway. If you want to check it out, it's called "I Need A What?" on my site, but I think the only way you can access it is to keep clicking on "older posts" at the bottom of the page until it comes up. I think you and George will thoroughly enjoy the story!!! Thanks again for making me LMFAO today!!!!!

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    1. Menopausal Mama, I am so pleased you enjoyed it and got a giggle out of it. This was a fun post to write. More fun to write than to live. I will say that about it. LOL I got into naming my a$$ bubble. I am messed up like that. LOL I will have to check out that post!! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  11. Well, thank God for George! I am so happy that your blood pressure problem has been discovered. Leave it to you to turn such a scary event into a laugh-fest. LOL Wonderfully funny story!!! ♥

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    1. Darlene, I would be happier if the blood pressure was under control. Feel like holy hell now. LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. I do definitely have the ability of putting the silly in just about anything. ♥

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  12. Oh Kathy, that was quite a story! I laughed a lot! Like so many others have commented, it was a good thing that you went to the hospital for George. Knowing about your high blood pressure is really important. You could have had a stroke or something a lot worse. Do take care of yourself.

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    1. Betty, it was certainly a wake up call and explains a lot. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!! ♥

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  13. Oh sweetie my heart went out to you on this one!! BIG TIME!! ((hugs))
    Hey on a lighter note George means FARMER..lol you have your very own EARTH WORKER looking out for your back end!! LOL and thanks to Jo's prayer..its a shriveled up penis in the big blue sea!! LOLOL always entertained reading your blogs my friend! Thankful you are ok

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    1. Drchoneydewcrm, Thank you for the hugs. I am so pleased you enjoyed my blog. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  14. LOL!!!!! Only you, Kathy, could share this story and make the funny bigger than the pain.

    I hope George hightails it (um, maybe I should rephrase that...) out of town and never returns. :O)

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    1. Word Nerd, I am so happy you enjoyed my story. I wasn't sure when I posted this if people would figure I was just nuts. Well I can be, especially under stress like this. LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  15. What a great post! I was with you all the way, humiliation and all. My blood pressure always rises when I go anywhere near a doctor's office. I tried to explain this to my primary care doctor but she insisted on prescribing blood pressure medication anyway. I love it that you named your hemorrhoid. I have a friend who named her two love handles Ben and Jerry.

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    1. bronwyngordon, I am so pleased you enjoyed my post and that I was able to write it so you could experience it right along with me. That is one of the best compliments I could get because I know that I wrote my story well if you were with me each step of the way. :D I am the same way when I go to the doctor and ER. That is funny about your friend's love handles. LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  16. Sorry that you went thru so much because of George! Hope you are feeling better.

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    1. Journey of Life, I am getting there. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind words! ♥

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